Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.
Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .
Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)
-= 1 =-
O0kau, let's begin with current events. . . Russia has invaded Ukraine, to annex their gas-rich territory. (8sorry -- to keep the world safe from Nazi-ism) Oh, yes, Russia, the promise of the Communist Dream, as it was in the '80s - you remember, right?
A conversation perhaps in later 1985, between Gorbaschev, & a soon-to-be- missing brave/stupid/suicidal man in the crowd:
G: Comrades: I have good news -- if all the potatoes of our crop this year werew to be piled up, they'd reach all the way to Heaven.
m: But, sir, you've taught us (under penalty of death, mind you) that there ain't no Heaven.
G: That's okay, because there ain't no potatoes, neither! *signals to KGB*
Yes, & they want Ukraine to have this 'dream', too. It's called "The Communist Dream," because you have to be asleep to believe it!
-= 2 =-
A little Rowan Atkinson for you, when he's not doing the Bean thing, apparently he's hating on the French neighbours of his country:
We offered kindly to donate them calais, But all they gave us back was the bidet, And now they won't let us go on holiday. That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.
They all wear berets and they're all called jacques. They even steal from us the words they lack: "le weekend", "le camping" and "cul-de-sac". That's why i hate the french,oh, That's why i hate the french.
They claim their films are the best we've ever had; Well, i suppose emmanuelle wasn't bad. Charles aznavour is always so depressed; Wouldn't you be if "oui, oui" meant "yes"?
Sacha distel has raindrops falling on his head. I wonder if jean-paul sartre knows he is dead? What i resent is that they're so good in bed. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.
They bake their bread in such a naughty shape. They brag about their wine and worship the grape. They criticise our food but then they eat crêpe. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.
And now they've started coming here in droves. French cigarettes, french letters and french clothes. I'm sick and tired of eating all this brie And i'll be buggered if i go to gay paris.
They're pretty cocky 'bout their games in the dark. They think with girls they light a special spark But look what the bastards did to joan of arc. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.
-= 3 =-
Are two year olds REALLY so bad?
L;et's do as the scientists do, & do a twins study; checking in on a neighbour who has identical twins, 15 months old, argying with each other: T1: You're ugly
T2: No, YOU are ugly!
T1: Well, you're uglier!
T2: No way, YOU are the ugliest in the whole world! [continues in the same vein for another ten minutes until mama's teacup goes dry, & she screams, "YOU'RE F*CKING IDENTICAL TWINS, YOU MONSTERS!! NOW SHUT UP AND GET ALONG BEFORE I WRAP BOTH YOUR MOUTHS IN PACKING TAPE!"]
-= 4 =-
Some clean humour from a bygone era: Best lines of W.C. Fields:
https://youtu.be/_eafMhqoOvk
-= 5 =-
More clean humour, from a more modern era: "Nothing is Better Than Being Southern" (Killer Beaz full special)
https://youtu.be/qyDbdz7DjLM
Now we head over to Provo, UT for a full show from DryBar comedy(the best YoTube channel for clean good stand-up comedy) Dan Drueter's "The Youngest of 11 Children"
https://youtu.be/RlOzW3MX0Lc
-= 6 =-
Much thanks to my AR-Kansas mate, Daryl Stout for this one:
What did Tennessee?? The same thing Arkansas...her name was Mrs. Ippi, and her daughter is Miss Sooree. They came from the breezy airport in central Oklahoma...where the wind comes sweeping down the plane...because the Texas were too big to the south. And, if there's any doubt further northwest, Alaska, and see what she says...but when I asked "Hawaii", she replied "OK". And, that's my stately humor for today.
-= 7 =-
Video Time!
My introduction to Ray Stevens (before I heard "The Streak") Ray Stevens as The Henhouse Five Plus Two "In The Mood"
https://youtu.be/0AvNNMwXH38
Another all-time favourite of mine: "The Scotsman Song"
https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM
-= 8 =-
Just listening to thisright now on the radio; well written, well performed, & punny like I like:
It was April the 41st
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving through downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so
I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it Okay, pal?"
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar A real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side Heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin, on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids For the halibut Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal What sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna Salmon Chanted Evening And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving me the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep
Seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank a lot I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked."
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
I invite her up to my place for a little midnight bait I say, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I got a haddock"
And she wasn't kiddin' either
'Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me,
He said, "Listen shrimp
Don't you come trolling around here" What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him
I said, "Abalone! You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew there was going to be trouble And so did Gil
'Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke
But there he was, lying on the deck Flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said, "Forget the cods, Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed
With the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said
"Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Kip Addotta & Biff Manard
-= 9 =-
Be thankful its not snowing -- can you imagine having to shovel snow in this heat?
-= 10 =-
Some of my favourites to close with:
Jokes performed on A Prairie Home Companion, February 1, 2003 from the Fitzgerald Theater in Saint Paul, Minnesota, our "Sometimes Annual Joke Show."
Performers:
Garrison Keillor, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Fred Newman The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band: Richard Dworsky, piano, keyboard, organ; Dale Mendenhall, winds; Pat Donohue, guitar; Gary Raynor, bass; Arnie Kinsella, percussion
Guests:
Outside John and the Sears Catalog
Jeff Lang
The Old Standby:
So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?
Ole and Lena jokes:
Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
Blonde jokes:
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."
A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
Third-grader jokes:
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"
Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."
Political jokes:
Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"
What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.
Doctors and medicine:
A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen--" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen--"
I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.
One-liners:
I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.
Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.
So the dyslexic walked into the bra.
Men and Women:
Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.
"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
Odds 'n' Ends:
An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."
Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire? He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.
A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)