From Newsgroup: comp.os.linux.advocacy
On 13 Sep 2025 12:47:56 GMT, Stéphane CARPENTIER wrote:
So, he's like you who explain how you shit in your basement. What's the issue?
You are loser, just like your ancestors.
The French Invented The Word Surrender.
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two
wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get
invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a
Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans,
France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to
leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's
ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien
Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long
until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal:
"They're there when they need you."
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are
bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple who gave them
Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the
only positive military bonus in France's favor for next 500 years.
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following
its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of
Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is
the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition,
non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after
arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
With no one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is
eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed
of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the
French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to
yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt,
send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors.
Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for
their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in
Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone.
America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli").
[America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S.
fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets
precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a
hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind
Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories
too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful,
response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French
are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for
Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the
Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the
Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would
have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France,
entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World
War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort
into these defenses.
Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia
(yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army
including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe
at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in
1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and
especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory
over the unwilling French public who were very much against the
departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful
Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
"We are fighting an enemy that cannot be appeased; were that possible,
the
French would already have done it"
- Andrew Roberts, British author of "History of the English-Speaking
Peoples Since 1900", speaking of the War on Terror.
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